Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
