Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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