Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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