they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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