I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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