i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
