i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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