Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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