so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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