what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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