I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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