i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
