How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
