I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
