We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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