theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
