I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
