you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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