Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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