All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
