It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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