I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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