I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
