I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
