He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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