I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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