I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
