i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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