im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
