my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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