Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She told me I should be a condom model.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
