Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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