You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
