You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
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you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
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He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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