would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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