Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
