I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
