I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
