Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
