My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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