I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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