I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
