I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
