I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
