I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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