She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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