Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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