we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
