Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
