Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
