If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
