Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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